What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:15
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Put me off passion for life!!
Do people really have sex with animals?
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I waited trembling.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was seconnd youngest,
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i lived it daily.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!